You will be attractive, successful and sexually irresistible if you read this, otherwise you will be an ugly billy-no-mates.

I burned The Telegraph magazine today. I happily screwed it up, placed it in a metal bin and torched it. As it burnt, it cursed my neighbourhood with its acrid stench.

As I read the articles about “the next big thing” I got gradually more angry. Each article was there to spout the hype about a new programme or celebrity, and mixed in with this crap were adverts.

Such gems as ‘Of course he loves you, he’s taking you to Mauritius. Isn’t he?’ for a holiday, and ‘The cost of motoring has fallen’ next to an £18k Alfa Romeo, which was ‘only’ £295 as month. ONLY?

Advertising. Listen to commercial radio for 2 minutes and you get a slimy voice over man or patronisingly joyful woman telling you how you can improve your life by buying “Product X”. The bulk of the adverts are pure rubbish, not giving you any good reason to but a product other than they have paid some “famous” person to sell it for them. The scary thing is that it works. People don’t know what they are buying and can’t be bothered to get the best price. Why does it matter that some celebrity is saying that this product is great?? They have been paid to say it.

Surely a new car, lets say it costs £10-15k should be bought on the merit of its build quality, its performance, reliability and other such important factors. Not for example, because “size matters” (Renault Clio). That advert sticks in your mind, so they have achieved their aim. I remember their product. The advertising people are flogging us their wares by devious means. I don’t want a Clio.

That catchy jingle that you can’t stop humming, the crushing insecurity and inferiority complexes that they prey on or our desire to be better and flashier all get the better of us. We rush out, wallets and purses in hand, almost falling over ourselves to hand over huge sums of cash for things we don’t even need. How much does it say about the products that they have to use sneaky methods to sell them?

It makes me sick to see adverts that are aimed at people’s fears and worries. The Pensions and Life Insurance that won’t actually pay you out any more that you paid in, that you took out because of the tear-jerking advert full of puppies and sickly sweet children. “What would happen to all these adorable little bunnies if you died tomorrow?” It asks in its best voiceover tone, “Pay us every month and we will give your grieving and heartbroken wife and kids 30 quid a week to ease the agonising pain of your untimely demise” the soft focus advert continues…

A lot of advertising is living in the 50s and aimed at the wife. She is convinced that she needs the “New Wonder Mop!!! With 17 attachments!!” or whatever, then when hubby gets in from his dull and exhausting job, she pisses him off by nagging for said item until he gives in just to make the brainwashed woman shut up.

The adverts that aren’t aimed at stupid housewives are for the sexually frustrated men, with large billboards or TV ads packed with stunning women telling them that they will be happier and more attractive if they buy Product X.

The Power Of Advertising.

It goes for kids toys too, they see it inbetween “Weird Japanese Cartoon” and “Badly Animated American Cartoon” and whine like fuck until their parent give in to save their sanity.

Money is hard to come by, yet most are so easily relieved of it because they are too lazy or stupid to realise that they are being legally robbed, mislead and lied to. The crafty advertising departments misuse Psychology, subtly manipulate our feelings and emotions to try and make us spend with them, yet by their actions are proving that we can’t trust them as far as we could throw the patronising sharks.

As with many things in today’s culture, the sneaky are preying on the weak and soft minded, diddling the masses out of their money and decisions, taking the responsibility to think away with the 30 second blast of irritating music and hollow promises.

I ignore most of the bollocks I hear, but it bothers me that the companies pay a lot of money for this radio and TV advertising, so it must be worth the cash. People must buy more of their product for it, otherwise it wouldn’t make any business sense. Super Sealyseal windows aren’t paying for ten adverts a minute just for a laugh, it must be cost effective. This means that these underhand and despicable tactics are working, and for them to work, then a lot of people must be stupid. Ack.